THERE IS NO BLURB.
Age 30, Male
Student
WMS
Middle of Nowhere
Joined on 11/25/06
When i go to sleep tonight im gonna make a wish, that wish is for you to finnally kill yourself, you are litterally THE GAYEST being i have ever seen in my entire life.
you dance to gay ass music, in a gay ass way, and tell stories, you ARE the apitomy of a fagget.
"You look like a fucking dork, and I've been on Newgrounds way longer than you."
LMAO!! Say that to him in real life and he'd probably knock you out. What about yourself? You look like an ugly little gay baby.
I didn't read far seeing as the grammar was just HORRIBLE at times. Some words u used didnt even fit properly, and seemed as if you used a thesaurus to make urself sound better.
1) A blanket cannot RETRACT
2) Yet for a change makes no sense.
3) bruise that ached ever so slightly is improper and should just be "bruise that mildly ached"
I didn't go past the second paragraph because I knew I would just run into more mistakes lke this.
You didn't read the FIRST chapter FIRST obviously.
Respect for you just went WAY down. Sad. I like Streamline.
Wow. Some of the people on here are true idiots, who probably sit in their basements all day just sitting around and spamming people's hard work (Or random work) with hate and vulgarities. The state of some people on here saddens me. JhonnyUtah's flash, tankmen 3, which was nothing but the words 'fuck, ball, penis, tank and cock', got almost a four. Instead of telling you ways to improve, these people are simply saying 'you suck, and crap like that.
Don't listen to it. I love your stories. I liked your flash as well. I'd never heard the song before, and now i like it. This site isn't just a flash site. Check the freakin' motto. "Everything by everyone" is there for a reason. Numa Numa was the same thing, just with an older person and a romanian song.
Anyways, I'll stop my ranting because none of the idiots will read this. All I can say is good luck, and I'm a supporter. Also, I can't wait for your next chapter. I may start uploading my stories onto NewGrounds. Anyways, if you read the whole thing, thanks. See you around.
Note, i also posted it here as well as the next post...i figured you might see it here, without so much spam...
Now I'll go into the story...
The fluency is great. People complain about the beginning, but i like the style, it just shows the monotony and tedium of Andrew's every waking day. Anyways, I really like your story style. I think when you get older (Maybe 18 or 20) you should publish some of this stuff. I'd buy it. It's really good.
Robotic is the best way to describe this. I read it all, and I didn't feel anything. The bland words and boring imagery don't draw me in, but push me out. I suggest improving the writing style and working on sentence structure.
It has potential, but it's buried very deep below the fact that you ignore a few of the base rules of writing.
1. Tone is needed, flat voices create no empathy.
2. Sentence structure should be consistent to create comprehension.
3. An exclamation point shows emphasis. All caps is going to far.
Stop ending it with to be contued..... its hella gay
like u
"Ahhh... it's taking longer and longer for me to write these chapters. It's HARD to continue this plotline! I already have the crux of the story thought out, but I keep THINKING, how can I change it? How can I make it better? Most importantly, how should I write it?"
Holy fuck, get over yourself. No shit it's hard to continue the plotline because it's the same fucking thing over and over! Do you realize if you actually wrote these "stories" down in the format of a novel, each "chapter" would only be about two pages long, if that? FUCK!
"Frantically searing, he shoved off the console and screamed with ferocity,
"THESE GOD-FORSAKEN, FILTH-RIDDEN, DIVIDED TERRITORIES OF NORTH AMERICA!!""
Wait- "frantically" is an adverb, and "searing" is an adjective, so how does one "frantically sear"? Christ... you suck.
What a picky, picky bastard.
This is getting interesting now... I must say that your stories do paint a picture within my mind. The twisted thoughts of the human being... what you don't know however is how your writing and mine relate.
You tend to write in a dark way that captivates people's minds making them want more.
Damn. It's been so long...
I really should get to writing the Chapter Five.
"Viewtiful-Chris responds:
Damn. It's been so long...
I really should get to writing the Chapter Five."
Yep you should but whens it on? tommorrow? we dont know just get to work.
-New999
When people start caring <3
here see how good my story is. . .
Andrew Werdna woke up. Yet for a change, he stayed in bed. Was it a dream he had had? Was there really a spirit that had come to rescue him? Why was there a bruise that ached ever so slightly on the back of his head?
The blanket retracted from over him into the foot of the bed. He got out of his bed, opened his bedroom door, walked into the hallway, closed his bedroom door, and stopped.
There was a five-way split he was standing in the middle of. He didn't know which way to go. Each hallway was identical and continuous. He turned towards the door, heard a mechanical CRANK, and watched the door move behind a wall section. His room was gone.
He could only choose to pick one random exit and go along it. So he ascended and descended stairs, climbed and lowered up and down ladders, opened and closed doors, and walked back and forth through the hallways.
Andrew was aware for the first time, so it felt, of the elaborate and expansive series of corridors. Everything was black and white. The doors and ladders were black, everything else white. There were no reflective surfaces, and the light seemed to glow out of the walls, ceilings, and floors.
He could faintly hear his own body movements. The pattering of his feet, the whisper of his breath. The doors creaked and the ladders rattled. It was not a soundproof world.
Something troubled him about the- dream, was it? he had last night. There was something in the man's eyes, something that glistened, sparkled. It was so familiar... he could put a name to it if only he remembered. The hallways didn't have it, he knew.
Never retracing his steps but hesitating often, Andrew reached the Origin Room. The project leader quickly smacked the DROP button and the floor opened up, pulling Andrew through as had been done thousands of times before. Pressing his hands against the control console, he gruffly stated,
"Well, he got through the damned thing. I was worried I put him to sleep to forcefully, might've jogged the digits in his brain. But we were right, he was right, success!"
"What do we need now?" the assistant implored.
"Time. More time. Right now I assume his conscience hasn't yet fully awakened, therefore hasn't roused any unpredictability. We just need to wait, watch, gather data, compute it, change things, repeat cycle. Speed, gait, air temperature, light settings, door resistance, slope, length, EVERY SINGLE MINIMAL ASPECT IS CRUCIAL! Very little can be determined until we create the ideal environment! Then we must simplify it all down to analyzing his thought as he's awake! Maybe, just maybe, in future generations our research could be expounded upon and put to practical use, all for the GLORY... of these United States of America!"
Frantically searing, he shoved off the console and screamed with ferocity,
"THESE GOD-FORSAKEN, FILTH-RIDDEN, DIVIDED TERRITORIES OF NORTH AMERICA!!"
The assistant now knew just how long he'd be here.
To be continued...
KentuckyWriter
Well, I'm a little surprised. Taking your age into account, this is good. Very good. You write better than most of the things I've proofed for other people.
i read below about the character's name thing. I was a little disheartened by your response. A name in a story can be one of the most powerful elements. The name can be an omen, a nod to and influence, a wink at a reader, or integral to the story. Sometimes a creative name can be the best part of any build up. Other than that...
Well, other than that, I just have to say the mark of a writer is how well they take criticism. If you want to grow up and try this as a profession, here's the standard tips:
1) Get used to people not liking your work. It's common to be critiqued out of spite, dislike, jealousy, or just because they didn't like your story for various reasons. Dealing with folks who love your work is easy. Dealing with those who don't like your work politely and courteously...well, that's tougher.
2) Become friends with rejection. You'll get a lot of letters, ranging from form, to personal, to downright mean that say there is no market for your work with (blank) publication. The key is to rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, and then resubmit. If you take rejection personally, start writing poetry. Then you can say that they just don't understand your artistic vision and shrug it off.
3) Get a second job. Very few of us (being fiction writers in general) actually make a living off our work. I, personally, writer freelance articles in addition to random pick-up work, as well as selling my fiction work for utility payments. It helps to marry someone who doesn't mind footing the bill a bit more so you can keep working, too.
4) Never stop reading. Stephen King once said a good writer should read four hours a day and write four hours a day. I tend to say read for a bit, then make sure you write 400 words. On that note...
5) Always write. Write daily. Write 400 words a day about anything at all. Can't think of a story? Write 400 words on the color of the wall. The key here is to always stay in practice, and to find new styles of writing for you. Like everything, practice makes perfect. There's no such thing as a natural born writer, just like there's no such thing as a natural born acrobat.
6) Never pimp your own work as being the best there is. Let other people do that for you.
That said, I kinda look forward to the rest of your work. Keep plugging away, buddy.