The first chapter isn't very fun to read, I'd recommend improving your sentence fluency there, but otherwise, it's pretty good. I can't wait to read the rest of the chapters.
THERE IS NO BLURB.
Age 29, Male
Student
WMS
Middle of Nowhere
Joined on 11/25/06
- Level:
- 13
- Exp Points:
- 1,790 / 1,880
- Exp Rank:
- > 100,000
- Vote Power:
- 5.53 votes
- Rank:
- Town Watch
- Global Rank:
- > 100,000
- Blams:
- 15
- Saves:
- 85
- B/P Bonus:
- 2%
- Whistle:
- Normal
- Trophies:
- 2
Comments
In the room description paragraph, I meant to make it very influent. It's meant to portray how he focuses on one part at a time and how they overlay.
As for the rest, I think I was pretty fluent.
i have a short attention spand when i saw how big it was my mind put me in the white darkness :D
The white darkness, how appropriate!
I'm seeing a chance at rape in this story....It's not leading to RAPE, is it?
Damn! You seem to jump right at my imagination!
Well no, there will absolutely be no form of rape whatever in this story.
Why must you tempt me into it, Rague?
....Lol, this creeped me out out of my skin. You sure make a scary story.
Most of my previous stories are perverted, twisted, and uncontrollably sick. Now that I've matured enough to contain my crazy rampant creativity, I can manifest it into a convincing plot. I do write scary pretty well.
I wrote my first story in fifth grade. It got to fourteen pages long on notebook paper, and I would read it out loud in front of the class. It was titled 'Fast Forward', about a boy who was to receive a portable skipping-time machine. It never got to that point, as I established he had to wait through a week of school which I carefully and hilariously detailed, and the story is yet incomplete.
The story in itself was a parody of my fifth-grade class. I made fun of my teacher in a LOT of ways, such as having a fictional kid tell the teacher "You HAVE a husband? I thought the Mrs. was to make you look good!" and making funny versions of the student's names. Example: I would say the parody name as if I were the teacher doing roll-call in the story and the real student would say "here".
I WISH I STILL HAD THAT STORY! But my teacher loved it so much she bargained me a bunch of 3D images for it. I was to dumb at the time to tell that I really should have kept that story. Oh well.
The first stories I wrote under the name Ackris Larkiln were quite sick, containing excessive amounts of gore, perverted humor, explicit homosexuality... you fill in the blanks. The first Ackris Larkiln stories I wrote in seventh grade. I am now in eighth grade. If people want it, I could put these stories here on Newgrounds once Hallways is over.
Keep reading! Don't let the forums shut me out!
LINK TO ME IN YOUR SIG!
wow that was awesome good job
Thanks for the comment!
That was cool and well written but the last whole paragraph was kind of disturbing and was the line under the 2nd paragraph I think read was misspelled as "wread" or is that a old timey way of spelling it?
It's a specialized way of spelling it. I wanted it to have a 'w' so it would line up with all the other words in the sentence.
AND OF COURSE, I DID MEAN TO MAKE THAT LAST PARAGRAPH DISTURBING.
This reminds me a heck of alot of Heinlein's style. Very off the cuff, very humours in a strange and dark way. It's almost inexplicable how much I enjoyed this so far. Time to continue along.
If you were a girl, I would totally go to jail for trying to pedorape you.
Put in a rape segment purely because you're 13. Make sure it's HARDCORE SNUFF.
I was thinking about that. A kind of SHOCK ENDING.
But no. : ) I like cohesive plot. A weakness, I know.
What the hell? Age 13 and talking about castration?
Maturity.
wow this is the faggiest story ive ever read, in addition ur a fag
ANDREW WERDNA
Obvious anagram is obvious.
I mentioned that later.
So what? It's supposed to be that way. It symbolises just how average he is.
Sucks balls.
that was terrible no descriptive language whatso ever and you kept repeating stuff.
Oh I think he was PRETTY descriptive there, mako-mage. What? Did you not take the time to look over the "big" words because they, what most people say to insult, "Hurt your brain"? Well I thought it was pretty good! It WAS descriptive, it had very sophisticated vocabulary, though Andrew Werdna didn't even scream. But, altogether, it was a story with nearly perfect plot.
If you KEEP READING, you can see WHY he doesn't scream.
This oddly seems to be from the machine's point of view.
I also suggest you show, not tell.
This is one of the biggest pieces of shit ive ever read
Im so seriously pissed off that i wasted my good time reading horrible story by a 13 yr old.
first off you cant write for shit
second you go in to way to much detail
third you copied that first name is the last name spelled backwards from holes
and lastly you try to make it look like you have experience with writing by adding some "big" words that frankly do nothing to help your story.
am i the only one that thinks this?
Yes. And you probably can't write for shit.
Wow, what a cock sucker. You couldn't write your way out of a pile of shit.
"Andrew Werdna woke up. He got out of his bed, opened his bedroom door, walked into the hallway, closed his bedroom door, walked down the hallway past several doors, turned left at a corner, walked down that hallway past several more doors, climbed a ladder at the end, opened a door in front of him, and stepped inside."
First paragraph and you've already fucked this story in the ass so hard it's bleeding out it's mouth. This whole paragraph consists of two sentences, one for to short, the other far too long. Do you know what the fuck a run-on sentence is?
"He was in a room. The room had words painted. The words in the room were painted on the walls. The room had four walls with the words. The walls were white on the black words. The words were black on the white walls. The words were in order. The words would be read."
I'm not quite sure, but are there words on the fucking walls?
"YOU ARE IN A ROOM WITH FOUR WHITE WALLS WITH BLACK WORDS PAINTED ON THEM TO BE READ IN ORDER.
COME BACK HERE TOMORROW."
What the fuck? I guess he didn't know there were words on the walls until the words on the wall told him there were words on the wall.
"After reading this, the floor opened up and Andrew fell through. Fans kept him in the air from below until a pressurized tube focused on him and sucked him all the way back to the ceiling of his room where he landed on the bed."
Only getting more retarded.
"When Andrew was asleep, his body was scanned over by robotic appendages extending from the sides of the bed to check for physical irregularities. If any were present, measures would be taken to eliminate them. A shell was placed on his forehead to monitor his thought frequencies. Following a pattern in this, the hallways moved outside the room into a new configuration. If Andrew were to arrive at the same room again the next time, their prediction would be correct and the experiment would continue. If not, they would adjust the programming of the shell or look into other possible variables affecting his thought."
This is the only moderately well-written paragraph. If the whole story was written like this, you would be onto something.
"He had long since been castrated to preserve his body at its boyish state"
Being castrated doesn't stop you from growing into an adult, you dumb sack of shit. Are you retarded? Where do you get your facts? Honestly, don't they teach health anymore in middle school?
I'm writing a book. Luckily, both my parents are talented writers, so I've inherited some of that talent. You obviously have none, so please, for the love of sweet Christ, don't write anymore. Would you try out for the football team if you couldn't catch a ball?
Jackass.
You seem to not understand the fucking concept of PERSPECTIVE, that causes the sentences to flow that way. Also, I mentioned later he received INJECTIONS that would, effectively, prevent all form of growth.
If you would read the next damn chapters, everything would make sense.
didnt i just tell you that u cant write for shit!?
Ur not original at all you faggot ass dick sucking c**t crushint prick
Neither are you you *swear word frenzy*.
You are a sick bastard... but that second paragraph was brilliant.
My sarcasm detector is failing.
Subzero2213
Hmmp. Okay to me.
Viewtiful-Chris (Updated )
DAMNED! The freaking paragraph spacing dissappeared. At least the space at the end of the lines should guide you in when paragraphs end. I need to fix that.
EDIT: DONE! I do wish I could make them look like actual paragraphs on paper, but spacing them out works too!