It had to be America...
Great story by the way.
THERE IS NO BLURB.
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Comments
Yes it did have to be America. Indeed.
In fact, most likely in this country!
*political humor edit*
In the pharse "... of these United States of America!" it doesn't sound right.
lot to read
little to read
not bad,the first chapter isn't very good in my opinion,but the second one was much better.the plot is very interesting and the narrative is followable,if a bit confusing.through most of the second chapter it wasn't clear who was talking,but adding in the explanation in the ending through the paragraph about the term "we" was very well done.i also like the way you start out each chapter with variations of what is essentially the same paragraph: it really captures the repetition and monotony of the task that andrew is performing every day.
PEEPS! This is a great example for how to comment here! EXPLAIN YOUR THOUGHTS!
That was awesome. Don't you love America.
1: Look capitalization.
2: No unnecissary comments.
1) Thank you very much!
2) Awesome!
And I'm so glad to live in America... what a brilliant leader we have now!
Cool, but I don't get what he's talking about in the all caps part at the end.
He's talking about the U, S, of A. Some people, including someone who is forced into scientific labor by the government like him, do not like this country.
I'm gonna put this on EBAUMS!!!! Jk...nice story dude.
Don't and thanks! I haven't ever even gone on Ebaums... BUT DON'T BE PLAGIARIZIN ME.
'Sup Chris?
SUP DARK WIZARD.
merry christmas. heres a present. its new ideas for the story. feel free to return it
Where, exactly?
bring it to Wal-Mart. you can return anything there.
Okay. Shut up generalchampion, this is so far away from anything conceivably relevant it's beyond insulting.
I don't have the heart to merely delete your comments however.
Andrew... Werdna.
How fucking original.
That's all you have to say? Why does a NAME in a story have to be original? Your username doesn't exactly SCREAM original, it means FAN OF A FUCKING DEAD VIDEO GAME SERIES.
Worst comment ever.
OWOWWOWOOWOO THIS POST IS OLD SO MAKE A NEWW ONE WHY AHVENT' YYOUOU MADE ANOTHAH CHAPPTERRRR YETTTT?
I will. Eventually.
Not for you in any case, BLOCKER!
Guess what, FREEZEPOP'S JEM! sucks.
This story sucks.
You look nine.
You need to gain some weight.
And uhh....
GTFOFFNEWGROUNDS!
You look like a fucking dork, and I've been on Newgrounds way longer than you.
Shaddup.
Besides, have you EVEN READ THE WHOLE STORY?
(I do need to gain weight. I have an amazing metabolism.)
I can't wait for more of this story. You have me right in to it. Science Fiction is the best genre of all, and I love that you play with typical flow.
If I had one complaint, it would be that when you type these up, there are typos here and there that make a sentence seem quite strange and hard to understand. Another example of something I found jarring, and disliked is this, "Everything was black and white. The doors and ladders were black, everything else white." The phrasing, and repetition make it feel like it should have a nugget of revolutionary information, but the detail is inane. I'm not saying drop the description, but try to revise it so that it doesn't sound and important, or make the detail important.
That all being said, I find this highly phenomenal for a 13 year old. You remind me much of myself. Squirelling away at insane science fiction in your young age. Exploring the interwebs.
I'm looking forward to finding out where this story is going!
P.S. I like abrupt and open ended finales that leave the reader utterly confused, upset, and scratching his head. hint hint.
NEEDS MOAR PARTIOTISM. GOD BLESS AUSTR...........AMERICA.
Epic Fail makes a point u skinny fuck
How does it feel to know that 9/10 ppl that saw ur movie think ur gay and humiliating urself?
Sup, MY NEW BESTIE.
These chapters were posted a while ago, but I thought I might do a quick review. Here goes...
While the fluency and tone of your writing is very excellent for your age; you did misuse a word or two throughout the four chapters. I can just imagine you sitting at the computer looking up synonyms for every word imaginable, no just kidding. I'm not exactly sure where in the story this happened. The use might be acceptable to some, but for me some of the word usage was a bit of a stretch. I just thought I might point that out, don't try to sound to fancy, writing gets wordy very "avidly". Something else I noticed that sort of went with that problem was the occasional strange wording of things like: "He stood fixated on the wall, emotionless." This doesn't make too much sense, he wasn't standing on a wall...was he? The reader can assume Andrew was staring at the wall, but still, constructive criticism: I would've written it like so: "He froze; his emotionless eyes fixated on the wall." but hey, that's just me. Like Yoda, even I sometimes write, not to that extent though, and that's not to say you did either.
Another very minor problem was your punctuation and grammar, in some places it could use a few touch ups. Now, that's not to say I don't make mistakes; you could probably very easily find something wrong in this review. Again, very minor, I don't really care.
It was also unclear at some points who was talking or taking action throughout the story, particularly chapter two. Try not to imply that so and so is talking just because bla-bla-blah happened.
Overall, taking all the factors like author's age, and what type of audience this was written for into consideration, this story gets a 9/10. Very well done! Difficult to say anything bad about. I really had to take out the tweezers and pull this apart to even write this review. If any suggestions could be made they would be to have a friend or someone play editor and help you catch the easy to miss stuff, but even that isn't at all necessary. Just keep writing at this high grade.
-REX
Hebacheba
SUSPENSE! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.
Viewtiful-Chris (Updated )
I thought I was gradually building up suspense this whole time.
Oh well.
The climax will still blow you off your feet.